You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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