There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize