i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
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what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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