I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Life is so much better after having sex.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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