You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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