I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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