Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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