Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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