a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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