sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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