I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize