Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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