drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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