I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize