1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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