you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
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I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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