In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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