The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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