walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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