Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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