theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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