the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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