I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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