the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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