were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
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Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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