I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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