Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
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its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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