Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
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im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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