The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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