I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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