The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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