Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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