I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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