I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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