The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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