; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
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You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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