I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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