Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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