i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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