You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize