Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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