If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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