I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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