At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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