his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
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He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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