it's not cheating when I paid for it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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