I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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