summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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