She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize