Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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